So in this video I would like to welcome back Karen once again and this is just to simply demonstrate
what I shared with you in the last video.
This is a very very simple conversational process.
We can guide our clients through or in fact anyone through just for the purpose of getting to know them
better know everything that I've shared in the course or it's in this section of course up until now
has been about building a foundation of trust hasn't it.
So what better way to show a client of ours or another person that we can actually be trusted than to
give them an opportunity to speak about themselves whilst we just simply listen respond give them feedback
appropriately and just simply do our best to hear and understand them.
So that's the purpose of this little exercise.
No.
Any additional material section I think is suggested in the last video you can download like a mini
workbook which is normally a work book is just a page of questions that you can use as a prompt for
practicing this exercise on and I'm going to encourage you to go and practice this in someone right
away.
You don't get to go any further without practice in this stuff my friend.
So all I'm doing here I'm going to invite Curran and to simply talk about her past where she's come
from.
What is letter from where she was way back when to where she is today is still a very generalized way
so we don't need all the details of what she had for breakfast and we don't know all the details of
the school she went to and whether and who taught her to teach her and who taught her to tie her shoelaces
and stuff like that.
Just a very very broad generalized story of what has led her to where she's up in life today and currents
going to most likely share any really prominent times of her life that were important to her or impacted
or in some ways a few questions that I'm going to use just a prompt current for more information and
just to really guide and direct the conversation also then what are going to do.
I'm going to redirect the conversation to get Karen grounded more in the present where we're looking
at her where she is today and how who Karen is being today has been influenced by our past right not
determined by just simply influenced we're going to get conflict of which is passionate about what she
enjoys the impact that she's currently making if she is making an impact if not well you know it's and
then we're gonna direct Khan's focus towards the future i.e. where she would like to be who she wants
to become the value that she sees she wants to be offering other people and what is going to make life
in the future just seem meaningful and purposeful for her.
This exercise as you probably start to notice is all about helping another person to shift their perspective
from our from our perspective as life coaches especially in the context of this training course this
exercise is for the purpose of you just simply conversing with a person listening to them and hearing
them all right for the purpose of gaining another person's trust and showing them that we are actually
fully they are unavailable and present for them we're not trying to coerce them or guide them or change
them or fix them or heal them or any of these things we're just here to help them understand themselves
and ultimately make better sense of their lives.
So this is just one means through which we can start doing this with me.
Is that OK.
That's why we're doing this exercise so Karen you have of heard what this exercise is going to be about.
It's just a conversation that I'm hoping we could have all right.
Which may seem a little bit staged in front of a camera and all that kind of thing but I'm hoping we
can just hover just a real general conversation.
Wondered if you'd be willing just to give us an share with me.
Just a really genuinely story of what's ledger to where you currently are today in life was got you
to where your right was here what's your life been like so far.
Yeah.
Where do you come from.
Why are you here.
Yeah.
Okay so I grew up in a family of five and I I'm from Edinburgh originally and I I lost my my dad quite
young age you've lost your daughter younger.
Yeah.
And although that was years and years ago now.
And for me that experience shaped my whole life and everything up until now.
Yeah.
And it wasn't really until the last few years where I've kind of I've learned and how I interpreted
that experience as a child and how I've grown through it.
In some ways mourned and grieved that loss and become a stronger woman because of it.
But for many years I lived in a place of kind of holding back and and I didn't really give like my all
because at I made a decision at a young age to to hold back and not really put myself out there holding
back and not really put yourself out there.
Yeah I kind of like the holding back with discussed in the last conversation.
Is that where was it.
Yeah.
Oh my goodness.
We just made a little English.
Yeah.
Interesting.
OK.
And holding back holding back.
Yeah I was always quite quiet as a child and quite reserved and I was never really confident.
In fact there is lots of links into what was spoken about before.
I was always quiet and lacking in confidence to communicate what I wanted to say.
So you wouldn't always have the confidence to communicate that which you actually wanted to see.
Yeah yeah.
Yeah.
Or even sometimes consider speaking up because I've just become such a habit to to remain behind the
scenes and and I'm not effected many different areas of my life because I would not speak up and an
often at times.
Not really.
And not really making up a lot of effort with people as well.
So you would make an effort with people so this this is kind of someone who is stepping up.
Yeah as well isn't it.
It is yeah.
Yeah.
Mikko therefore making an effort to connect with people.
And I was and I've kind of learnt in the last and last few years that if you if you don't and you don't
make an effort and put yourself out there then people have nothing they connect with and it is easier
for people to connect with you if you give them something of yourself.
And for many years I would be quite reluctant to do that.
I just kind of too timid to put myself out there and can connect with new people and stuff but am learning
that actually and I'm not going to get anywhere in life.
And my son actually do that.
So he's funny.
When you put yourself out there I can only imagine even if people don't like what they find at least
you know where you stand with them.
Exactly.
Yeah.
But when you don't put yourself out there you're just left in this place of fear and hoping I can only
imagine.
Do they like me.
Do they not like me.
Am I being included here are my part of this or am I not part of this.
Am I accepted rejected loves loathed.
Yeah.
It leaves us with a real place of uncertainty when we just don't kind of give our life and our relationships.
Us.
Yes.
Yeah.
And you're just always wondering well and what are people thinking rather than giving them something
of yourself and then allowing them space to give you feedback.
Yes.
So either way you would actually know and we'd actually know.
Yeah.
Interesting.
So just this is a summary then what would you say you mean the learnings have been from the past.
What were the main lessons you've learned that are really impacting how you're living your life today.
Main learnings and
I would say that that is one of them.
In order to connect meaningfully with other people I've got to put myself out there and offer them something
of myself of them something of yourself.
Yeah.
You mean my experience.
My learnings and you got to give you.
Oh yeah yeah.
Giving them value even if that's human or whatever.
You know I'm guessing it's one of these things isn't it.
I mean we could see that most people were self self-serving but it is true.
I mean unless we're actually showing up and are value to the world and given people value.
No one's really ever gonna be interested in a soul.
It is true.
You mentioned something about an entitlement.
And for me I kind of slipped into that mindset in the past where I felt I didn't really have to make
an effort where people could just sit back and oh and entitlements.
No.
Okay.
Because you're taking people for granted when you when you approach relationships like that and that
would be another learning learning so by this entitlement to be a lawyer and type what it means for
me.
Some of them do their best.
I'd love to understand what it means for you.
Do you mean you would sit back and just kind of wait for people to make an effort with you because you
know this is how life should be.
You're entitled to yes it's all right for me just to sit back and make the list and make no effort.
Interesting some of that governed by fear but doesn't change the fact that I wasn't make any effort
and effort.
That's interesting isn't it.
It's interesting isn't it how we learn and grow.
As people yeah.
So what would you say that the main challenges are that you've you've had to overcome in recent years
or over the last however many years.
The main challenges even there was just one or two or two main challenges where
you learn something about yourself.
OK.
I guess one thing that springs to mind is is even just in the context of our marriage and
I've I've become aware of how poor communicator and listener I actually am in the context of our marriage.
And in fact in all of my relationships where I'm more interested in often than my own fears and insecurities
when I'm in someone else's company than them does that mean you're listening more to what's going on
inside of your head than what other people are seeing often.
Yeah.
Hurry.
Randy.
My goodness.
You've done that with me.
Well I'm getting better but yeah many times and if I hadn't noticed.
Oh yes I heard.
And I'm getting better in the theater.
But that's been one of the biggest challenges has been to the first becoming aware of that and that
it was even a problem acknowledging it and learning to slow myself down so that I'm available for people.
I'm guessing awareness here is key until we're aware of a flaw or a fault or you know a way that we
are not functioning to our full potential.
There's not really much we can do to change if we're not aware of what it is that we must change.
No no.
Absolutely.
And guess I'm one of the one of the greatest pet pitfalls that people can fall into and get trapped
in in life is thinking and assuming that they know at all that they've got it right that they are on
the right team.
Their way is the right way and all other ways are wrong.
Yes.
Yeah it's an unnecessary can have to do with the belief that we have sometimes absolutely and especially
in the context of like a marriage unless you're open and willing to see someone else's perspective then
you're just going nowhere.
So basically what you're saying is instead of emerge unless you're open and receptive.
Yes emerging.
And let's not going anywhere.
No go nowhere and ever go that's for you Murray people leave their friends.
See this is more than a life coaching course already isn't it.
Okay cool.
So what would you say then in light of all this.
The main strengths are you developed along the way.
The main strengths.
I'd say that what we've just talked about there actually is is becoming a strength and it has become
a strength.
I'm being able to listen well certainly much better than I used to.
For other people and.
And that's really come through a strength of character.
And I've
I want to put other people first.
You want to put the people first know so does not mean that in the past perhaps be inclined to put yourself
first more than other people.
Oh yeah.
If you're kind of holding back this is more of a kind of self preservation isn't it a little bit.
It was all about self preservation that self preservation which is all about you.
Yeah.
And this came with the cost of came at the cost of the other people knowing that I was there for them
and also the connection between us.
Social came the cost of the health of some of the relationships he had.
Yeah it's interesting isn't it that often in life we won't change until our desire to change becomes
greater than our desire to remain the same and his desire isn't really going to come about until we
realize the partner we've played and not getting that which we want the most.
Yeah yet and accepting that we're we're playing that part and not getting what we want.
It's not anyone else's fault not anyone else's fault.
You are the victim yet okay.
Interesting.
Okay so I'm just wondering if you were just to to look at where you are in life today where are you
today.
In light of the past today and what was good about your life today.
Today I'm a lot.
I'm fairly self aware of some of these mistakes from the past and learnings from the past not even mistakes
or learnings and
what's what's good about my life today and today
I'm I guess involved in things that I would never have done previously.
Even things like this being on camera putting yourself out there I'd invite you.
Yeah.
So I feel like I'm often in a position where I'm bursting the bubble from the past where I told myself
stories that you can't do these things.
You're behind the scenes.
I'm actually I'm breaking breaking that norm.
It's killing me.
Breaking your own rules here.
Or aren't you just a little bit.
Yeah.
You start to become a little bit rebellious wife.
I guess you could say that.
Yeah.
But rebellious breaking your own rules.
I guess that's really only when life starts getting interesting doesn't it.
When we start really stepping outside of our own little bubbles and comfort zones and start pushing
ourselves to do the things that we previously genuinely believed we were able to do or couldn't do or
mustn't do or shouldn't do or ought not to do.
Which is just the crazy rules that we live by sometimes and you know who is the makes these rules to
begin with.
We do.
We do don't we.
If we make them a means that we can also unmake them and make them or break them or break them.
Exactly.
Interesting.
So tell me who would you say you are for other people today then generally.
Then compare this to who you've historically been for people in the past.
It's all about moving forward celebrate progressing and being able to kind of gauge the progress that
we make isn't it.
Yep and today more loving and giving.
I'm offering people insight where I can and all four people my experience and my story where I can and
I speak up rather than than not to connect and to offer value.
And today a prayer at a prioritized connection over my own feelings of security.
Because I've realized how selfish actually I was being I selfishly selfish you've been in the past where
I've put myself first and even put yourself first you've been holding yourself back and not sharing
of yourself your experience your lessons learned with other people which is ultimately your value isn't
it.
You know learning and growing then we're not going to be able to share what we're learning with other
people as we go.
Yeah.
So we're not really been valuable for the people we know and I find that the more risks I take like
the more normal some of the scary stuff becomes Oh.
So within the past all the stuff wasn't normal.
Yeah.
As you practice stepping outside the comfort zone speaking up or stepping out it becomes more normal
for you.
It becomes more normal yeah.
And sometimes it stops slightly intimidating but even like since the start of the year I've become more
involved in events and some of the groups you were talking about earlier.
Yeah and and and although sometimes that's still intimidating I'm more able just to put myself in the
situation and get on with it.
And it does help and I hope to able to say that I really enjoy these things in the future as well with
no.
No fear you know.
Who would you say you're really passionate about then.
Passionate about people and relationships.
I'm passionate about and new people and including people.
Connections are a big big thing for me.
Connecting meaningfully with other people.
Yeah thanks.
So we're to look forward to the future.
All right.
Just look ahead some point in the future.
Where do you see yourself
once a place you see yourself reaching.
Mm hmm.
It's not about what you have it's probably more about who you are who you become.
Yeah yeah.
I guess
some of the competitions we've even had so far like I see myself being even more bold and even stronger
stronger and
unaware of other people.
There's still times where that selfishness that selfish element of me wanting to sit back and let people
come to me comes comes into play.
And I I see myself not not having issues with that.
OK.
A strong man.
You would like to be a strong Mommy.
Yeah and a stronger stronger wife.
Oh fantastic.
So you'll bake more cakes.
Do you like work eggs.
Absolutely.
Then yes carrot cake please.
I more faithful friend more faithful friend better a better listener or better listener.
What you mean by more faithful friend.
I guess I mean more more aware in the context of friendships where I'm fully available for them freely
available through listening to them instead of instead of being distracted or busy.
And get them distracted with other things my own thoughts on my own stuff.
Your own biases your own perception your own expectations.
All of this stuff we were talking about in the previous video.
Jared Egan's barriers to prevent head of listening and hearing.
Yet all that stuff very practical wasn't it.
Yeah and and relation to the previous conversation we had.
I see myself being a bolder stronger communicator.
Does this excite you yeah.
Yeah.
Oy.
I love the idea of not of being fearless and not allowing anything to actually hold me back.
Interesting.
So if nothing's holding you back.
What is that then therefore mean about you.
It means that I'm confident just being myself and speaking up at any point without fear of what other
people think.
Does that mean that you're free to so tell me in what ways then must you continue to keep on developing
and growing moving forward and as a life coach.
How is it that I might be able to assist you on this journey
I've learned most of my lessons that I've mentioned through a second perspective through someone offering
me another perspective.
Fantastic.
Okay.
And I can only assume that moving forward
I need to keep being open to those other perspectives and as a life coach that's the best way you can
help me by offering me objectivity objectivity by asking you question questions here about why I'm doing
what I'm doing.
And it's kind of more than about you having that level of accountability isn't it.
Yeah yeah yeah that's.
I hadn't considered that before.
You've been held accountable to yourself.
Yes.
So that we don't slip back into our old default modes our own habits and our old ways of doing things.
We know where we've come from we know where we're at.
We look where we want to be.
And sometimes our own worst enemies can be ourselves.
So we want to make sure that you don't sabotage your best intentions moving forward.
But you do have a vision you do have a goal and it's going to be you that must take the action steps
towards getting there.
Yes but as your life coach I'm more than happy to hold you to code Thank you fantastic I was there.
Could you have a conversation like this.
All right.
To be honest with you that said no.
If you were following along the questions you most likely noticed that I wasn't rigidly reading the
questions like following a script or anything like this.
Right.
What the priority is in a conversation like this is to maintain the connection develop the rapport and
ultimately earn the trust so that upon reaching the edge of the reach and the ADD at the end of the
conversation I mean a place where I can ask the question and how is it as a life coach I can help you
to get to where you want to be.
All right.
If your clients cannot answer your potential clients can't answer that question then.
Unfortunately my friend you haven't yet earned their trust right or develop that degree of rapport.
Now obviously the sections that follow we're going to look at communication skills and I'm going to
share with you a whole lot of hands and tips and ideas and processes that you can build into your everyday
interactions with people that are certainly going to serve you in this area.
But for now I'm going to strongly argue and fight before I urge you to do anything.
Just going to invite Karen just to share a little bit of feedback and what this conversation is like
for you.
It was quite good actually.
And I think my main takeaway was that you said there at the end like how can I help you as a coach and
answering that question made me reflect on the fact that it's been times in the past where I have been
open to a second perspective and I've learned the most and and so just purely by making myself available
for relationship and help and progress is gonna happen.
I just want to spell this out.
So you're crystal clear the ideas that have shared with you up until now that not just nice ideas that
I want to share for the sake of speaking.
All right.
We can only work with those clients who are open receptive unappreciative of us our time our inputs
our efforts.
All right.
So at the end of a conversation like this when we ask of our clients.
So how was it that I could help you as a life coach is then going to be down to our client to determine
whether they actually want to choose us as a life coach or whether they do and they get to decide how
open they actually are to continuing to grow and develop and move forward and progress and pursue the
goals that they have for a bigger brighter future.
It is not our role to give them all sorts of promises.
I am going to change you I'm going to fix this.
I am going to help you get to the top of your mountain all that kind of stuff.
Why.
Because we cannot guarantee and we cannot be certain that our clients are even going to be ready to
take that first step.
So just to emphasize just to wrap this demonstration up all the efforts all the hard work and the coaching
relationship are going to be carried out by our clients not by us.
We just become those conduits of change the feedback what we're hearing our clients say what we're seeing
them say we're asking them questions to really reflect upon the lessons that they've learned from the
past so they can see how they can apply those lessons I've learned in the past.
Again in the future as they're actively pursuing the goals and the vision that they have for their life's
saw my friend we are barely getting started but I really wanted to build this and this section of the
course know what I'm going to urge you to do.
As you know go and connect with someone you've obvious if you're parts of the practice makes permanent
community invite someone to be a guinea pig for you.
Or if you've got a son or a daughter or a mom or a dad or a friend or a colleague or someone good practices
on someone if you are a member of ecology then you've obviously got an entire community.
Go and pick someone and ask them if they'll be a guinea pig.
But ask these questions and practice practice practice practice working through these questions and
engagement in this level of conversation.
Practice doesn't make us perfect that anything it just simply makes us permanently better at engaging
with our clients and what we've ever historically been for in the past.
So my friend you've got nothing to lose from going and practicing today.
So hope you found this demonstration useful.
I hope you understand why we've had it and what pretty much sets us up for which just as a healthy coaching
relationship.
Hope you find this video helpful and we'll see you again in the next.